Your Brand Narrative? Yeah, Nobody Cares

Your values, pillars, and identity are not a Brand Narrative—they’re Brand Nonsense.

Aa tale as old as time; I work in the advertising industry, which means I get paid to sprinkle fairy dust on garbage and call it gold. I market products, services, and overall messaging for brands that your grandma and your dog have heard of. A quick peek at my work files reveals a few things:

• The word “Bold” appears 87 times. So brave.
• “Iconic” shows up 47 times. Legendary.
• “Premium” is used 44 times. Fancy.
• “Empower” is there 79 times. Uplifting.
• “Elevate” appears 23 times. Awakened?
• “Values” graces 212 documents. Moral high ground.
• And “Inspire”? Oh boy, 377 times. Enlightened.

Now, here’s the kicker. The words “sustainable” or “sustainability” show up in 47 documents. But let’s be real, none of my clients have a genuine sustainability initiative. Not one. The ones who claim they do couldn’t measure it with a yardstick. I have a 140-page presentation using “sustainable” 57 times, and it’s about as eco-friendly as a coal mine. My inbox? Forget it, it’s a landfill of buzzwords.

Brands, here’s a memo: Your words don’t matter. Your actions do.

The Experience™

Let’s talk about the mythical “experience” brands are obsessed with. Spoiler: It’s people using your product. That’s it. It’s not some transcendental life moment, an emotional rollercoaster, or feeling “refreshed.” It’s whether your product is worth the price or if it’s just another regrettable purchase.

Exhibit A: The Brand Delusion

Pasta Sauce: “We’re about the family experience, bringing people together after a long day to share laughs and fun, building connections on an emotional level with those we love as we enjoy a home-cooked meal.”

Reality: “Is this worth saving as leftovers, or should I just dump it in the compost? Too watery, gross.”

Shampoo: “We thrive in those intimate moments we spend alone, relaxing and letting our stresses wash away as we rejuvenate our soul, being vulnerable and getting to know ourselves better.”

Reality: “Will this dry my hair out again, or will it be the bottle I shove in the back of the bathroom for when guests come over? Hair feels like straw.”

Candles: “We turn your home into a comfortable experience, filling your safe space with aromas that bring positivity and maximize your comfort zone.”

Reality: “Will this mask the smell of my cat’s litter box for more than an hour? Nope, smells like ammonia and failure.”

Walk into any McDonald’s today, and it looks like a wannabe Apple store. Sleek, modern, clean, puzzlingly overpriced — like a tech geek’s fever dream. But let’s not kid ourselves, the quality of their “edible matter” has nosedived over the years. The fries used to be a crispy wonder; now they’re limp regrets. The “brand experience” isn’t the chic décor. It’s the food… and its vulgar assault on your wallet. And guess what? It’s still the same old junk you crave only when you’re too hammered off tequila shots to care.

What’s their real narrative? I’m lovin’ it after a pub crawl.

What’s the Not-So-Secret Sauce?

Clients, drowning in the grandioseness of their own brands, need to understand that verbose declarations and glossy façades don’t mean it. Consumers aren’t stupid, and unicorn narratives are mere smoke and mirrors. Instead of bombarding the public with empty promises and fluffy narratives, maybe, just maybe, show them the goods, and be cool about it. Until then, we’ll keep stuffing those buzzwords where you ask—all the places they don’t belong.